Winter break

Our Christmas drama was amazing. It was titled "The Promise" and it told the story of sin over the course of creation through immaculate conception and then on to crucifixion. Every time i watched the kids practice I would get major goosebumps. The Holy Spirit was working through us and it was such a privilege to be a part of it. 

We just started winter break today at noon. I'll go home sometime next week sometime. I believe Aaron goes home on Monday. He has been in Ranger School for the past 2.5 months. This will be the first time he's met Sadie. Should be interesting since she's so pissed at anyone other than Shiloh and immediate family. Lol. 

I was able to meet with my pastor today and cast some vision for 2016. My goals are to be brave, love more, and get my PA math license. Crazily the last one will be the easiest. It's the only one I have control over at least a little bit. 

As the year wraps up I'll try to post one last time to conclude this blog and being my next one with my new annual theme. God gave me this next one early and I'm excited to share it. 

Reminders

Every time I see a girl with a noticeable engagement ring I tend to look down at my own ring finger. I've always taken a deep breath and sighed in that moment. Wished for my turn to come. Tonight my gaze shifted down to the back of my left hand. It was no longer a ring that I imagined but rather a nail pierced hand. 

Some Bible scholars say that Jesus' wrists were actually what was nailed to the cross due to potential tearing in the hands. With that in mind, I investigated my wrists as well and thought to myself. What if? What if every time I looked at my hands I remembered what love Jesus has for me. It was a humbling moment. 

Maybe I'll tattoo my wrists next, or maybe I'll just get a gold bracelet. I'm not sure. But I want to remember. Every day I want to remember what Jesus did for me. I love Him, I love Him, I love Him. And I want everyone to know how incredible my Jesus is. 

Life's a Voyage

I've often heard life be compared to a journey. It's about the actual commute, not the destination. Blah blah blah. Sure the journey is fun too, but nothing beats the final prize. The destination. The goal. The reason one spent countless time and money to leave point A and reach point B. Now I'm not trying to be pessimistic; I've just found a better analogy. 

Tonight I was driving and I was listening to the new Amanda Cook Album (A Brave New World) and her song The Voyage came on. I started thinking what if life is actually more like a voyage? As I drove through the pelting rain and squinted through the glaring headlights of oncoming traffic, the Holy Spirit began to unravel this analogy in my head. Here's my best go at explaining it how I understood it. 

Life is a voyage. Like a big boat ride. You've got people around you also on the same trip, but their experiences will be different than yours. There will be rainy days and you will get wet. There will be sunny days and you will get burnt. The air is a salty, fishy reminder of where you are (at sea) and the knowledge that you were created for something different: land. 

The boat is constantly moving, rocking, tipping even. Some people might fall off or jump to other boats, getting really wet in the process. They might even die from the damage caused from leaving the voyage God put them on. But even with the instability of the waves, if your feet stay planted and you hold on, you won't go anywhere you don't want to go. 

Life is a voyage. So much more than a journey. So take some Dramamine and know that God is the one driving the ship. 

Perspective of pride

      We are six weeks into the school year and some days I find I'm still struggling to find my groove. Morning meeting will probably always be dreaded by me but my kids love it and it does provide a better sense of community. 

Personally I've been dealing with some major pride issues. Struggling to not just lean on my own strength and what I feel I deserve or can do by myself. It's not about what I'm capable of but rather what God has equipped me to do. I'm beyond blessed with the ability to teach. I love my job and I have so much fun every day but sometimes I let my lack of care restrict my growth of relationships. 

I'll be honest. I idolize my job. It's my identity and my purpose.i know I'm called to teach but I'm also called to serve Christ not serve myself.  It shouldn't be this way. I realized this fact last Sunday when I told two of my dearest friends that I'll always come back to Philly (I've been traveling on my weekends) because I love my job so much. Hold up. My job? Really. Two amazing friends had to hear me say I prefer what gives me satisfaction in task over them. I didn't intend to mean it that way, and it was a definite smack in the face emotionally when I realized what I said and why I said it. 

So how can I be more intentional about relationships? Not by myself that's for sure. I need God's help and that's exactly where He tends to push me. Right into places where I need him. I need His patience to listen when I don't care because he cares. I need his love to show compassion when I don't care. I need his grace to show forgiveness when I don't care. I don't mean to sound like a bitch but I kinda have been and at the root of me tend to be at times. And that is NOT ok. 

When I was in Ireland I was so challenged by the people there. I grew so much in my willingness to show love to others and now I feel as though I've shrunk back some. Now that I'm aware of that I can pray, adjust, and move forward. Here's to loving people well regardless if i care or not because Jesus cares and I want to be less like me (cause I suck) and more like Him because he's amazing. 

Obedience

Week 3 of the school year is underway and I'm loving it! My students are being super engaged and seem to be grasping concepts well. I've been able to slow down and explain much better than I did last year. We have our first real round of tests on Wednesday so we'll see how it goes. 

On top of teaching I've been trying to learn a lot myself. As badly as I want to begin the next chapter of my life, I still have some growing to do in this phase. Physically I'm doing well. I've been training for a half marathon that's about 6 weeks away. Emotional training is a different story. 

I want to just jump all in but I'm being held on the cusp on where that is. So, in the mean time, I've been feeling challenged to focus on what is right in front of me: my students. I want to start sitting down with them one by one and listening to their spiritual journey. Hopefully start one with them if it hasn't begun yet. I'm not sure how I will disciple and mentor 46 kids but God will provide. 

As for my dating life, well me sorting that out failed so I'm back to trusting God. Crazy how hard it is to slow down and trust Him. Why can I trust him with my eternity but not my marriage. Whew that's truly something I need to pray for discernment on. 

Gods voice

I've been training for a half marathon which means I've been spending a lot of time with God lately. I like to watch sermon video podcasts while I run on the treadmill at the gym. It's my extra "me" time with God. 

I recently heard Steven Furtick say something really profound. He said something along the lines of: most times God will give us the answer we need to hear rather than the answer to the question we are asking. The sermon was from 1st Corinthians. 

I've been praying a lot about a potential boyfriend that is in my life. I met him briefly a few times over the past year and had an immediate crush that grew with time. I mean he's handsome, tall, and extremely smart. As I've been spending time getting to know him I'm seeing just how incredible he is. 

So you're probably waiting for the "but" part. But he isn't into it like I am. I've been praying about it a lot. I mean this guy seriously has nearly everything I've been dreaming of in a husband. The only clear answer God has given me isn't really an answer at all, but I know it was clearly from God. He said: "Slow down and trust me." 

Now this gives me no guidance with whether or not the relationship with formulate into marriage, but it does give me 100% assurance that God is looking out for me and He is still the one I'm asking to lead my steps. I've also been sensing this theme of the butterfly in my life and that with this relationship I need to be still and trust the process. Besides, if the butterfly will eventually arise, then I should just get cozy with God and keep pursuing Him. 

I love my Abba. My True Father with every fiber of my being and if/when this friend becomes more than a friend, then God will be best honored through our lives through our faith and devotion to Christ. Why bother worrying about it before then? Sure my desire is to be married. To come beneath my husband who is a man of God and support him in the mission God has called him to. But I'll never regret waiting on God. NEVER. 

New Life

What a whirlwind the past 10 days have been! I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. 

I was able to spend 7+ days on Cape Cod. The weather was perfect. The kids were good. And I got to spend some great quality time with a great guy. 

Then I came home to upstate NY to be present for the birth of my first niece. Although a natural birth was the plan, little Sadie Kate was too big to cooperate that way and my sis had an emergency c-section at 4:30am. Twenty minutes later Sadie was born. 8 lbs 9 oz and 20.5" long. She's perfect. 

Needless to say I'm on cloud nine. God is so good and I am beyond blessed to have had such blissful days recently! 

Transitions

I knew that going on a missions trip would change me in many ways. I knew that experiencing a different culture would shift my perspective; things would take a new focus. I think it will be months before I understand the full impact of my time in Antrim. Some stories I can share and others are between me and my God. 

With a shift of perspective comes a few of mountains that I didn't notice before; at least not directly. Sure I sensed they were there but I was naive of their full mass and blockage in regard to my next steps. Before I left I was feeling exhausted. I had grown to dread my role at the church. I felt neither passionate nor equipped to serve in that capacity. I was being stretched and was at my breaking point. Being away helped to alleviate that tension temporarily and allowed me to get a breath of fresh air. I had run away per-say. 

I was reminded through prophecy on three separate occasions that I needed to let go and just spend some time with Jesus. To let him romance me and be redefined as the woman He views me to be. I wasn't sure how that was going to be possible once I returned to the real world and had to pick my burdens back up again. So much of my battle is in my head. I know that. I go to counseling twice a month because of it. But to me it's reality and it takes time to talk myself out of some thoughts I carry. 

In this next season of my life I am excited to begin a mentor relationship and possibly two. My peers are great but it's difficult for me to take criticism from them. Again, a perspective issue on my part. I hope that some heavy conversations with women who know my story will help me in this journey. 

I will be phasing out of the Admin role at The Block Church over the next few months. I'll be able to serve on the team without the direct pressure I felt to lead and lead well. I already feel such sense of freedom. It was a role I had been doing for a while because I felt trapped. That God told me to do it and we'll you can't tell God no. Or something like that. Being in Antrim and receiving those prophecies confirmed that God doesn't desire to force me but rather knows what I need and He's giving me that space. Call it selfish, but sometimes to be the best YOU one has to take a break and heal. and so begins this next chapter. 

Irritated

Recently I was reading this devotional about how if you only ever construct and criticize people that they will tend to avoid you and even fear you. I know I have a lot of growing and stretching to do but lately I'm feeling weighed down by my weaknesses and short comings. I feel like that's the spotlight and it sucks. 

I want to do well, I truly do, but I'm stuck somewhere between wanting to take care of myself and wanting to give my all to others. How does one find the balance? 

Doing the best "I can" is painful because lately my best sucks. I'm growing and stretching and in the mean time things are falling in the gaps with nobody to help me cover the slack. Sure God is there for me on a spiritual level but the physical level is pitiful at the moment. I guess all I can do is lean on Him and hope that others will see the big picture and allow me grace in the process. 

Right now I want nothing to do with this. But I don't really have a choice. God please help me have perspective.... Pull me out of this funk. 

Rut status

I'm in a rut. I'm not sure when I got stuck, but I'm definitely here. I feel as though I'm trudging through the motions with not true passion or purpose. I've hit burnout mode. I know what I need to do to make my role truly count, but I can't bring myself to do those things; not without force.

I know that I need to step up and be passionate about people. I know that I need to lead by example. I know that I need to be the woman of God that I was created and redeemed to be. God has brought me so far and yet here I am dragging my feet from one email to the next. I'm avoiding tasks and making excuses. I'm not sure how I got here, but I know I want out.

Over the next 24 hours I plan to fast and pray my way out of this funk. It's been a while since I've passionately pursued God with all of my heart. I know that He is right there waiting for me to latch on to him but I have been letting life get in the way. I want to do what HE has for me, not ask him to bless what I have for me. I hope that this time will be a time of renewal. I have a lot to think through and I want to hear God's voice in this.

In less than two weeks I'm headed to Ireland for a missions trip. I'm not sure what will happen when I'm there, but I know that I want God to use that trip to transform me into being people-focused rather than task focused. I want to see those around me through HIS eyes of compassion and love rather than through my eyes of to-do-lists and schedule-holders.

God I am asking you to meet with me. I want you and I need you.

Birthday Week Festivities

Here we are. 6th months into 2015 and I am blown away by everything that God has been doing in my life.

 In just two short days our academic school year will be over. It's amazing how fast the time has passed. It's pretty awesome to see growth in both myself and my students. I'm so proud that none of my 7th or 8th grade students failed my math or Bible class. There were some D's, but overall everyone passed (I think).

This week I celebrated my 27th birthday. I just can't wait to see what God has in store for me this year. GraceAnn (my roommate) really went above and beyond to make my birthday special for me.
She spent the days leading up to my birthday showering me with gifts and words of encouragement. On my actual birthday (June 11th) she instructed me to meet her at her office by 4:30.

The whole evening was a blast. Bubble tea, manicures, sushi, ice cream and a capstone bike ride were all spent with amazing friends and women of God. I couldn't have hand-picked a better group of people to grow with.

Friday brought the weekend and we had a planning meeting to work on the budget for this next year. Lauren and I worked on finances while Grace worked the budget and Joey and Dave worked on the roles and vision for the church. It was a hugely successful meeting.

Saturday was the first of FIVE Port Richmond Second Saturdays Events. From 1:30-8:30 we set up, managed, and cleaned up the event. It was quite the long day, but it was definitely a lot of fun. It was great to see people we haven't seen in a while as well as make new connections.

Sunday deserves a post of it's own. Keep an eye out for that one soon. I still need to process it and pray about it before I put it down on paper. I will say that God rocked my world on Sunday and I'll never be the same again.

Battle wounds

If you're not in a fight you won't get injured right? The same is true for spiritual warfare. If you're playing it safe and not fighting the devil then he won't need to fight you. 

Today was an awesome day at school. For the first time in a long time I felt like my 8th grade bible lesson was Holy Spirit appointed. I was teaching on the letters that Paul wrote to the churches he had planted. 8th grade is currently working through 1 & 2 Thessalonians. I was challenging them to not feel condemned as they read it but rather let conviction lead them to make a change in their lives. 

I think that most of them actually got it. 

As I wrapped up the day with some grading I headed out to my bi-weekly counseling session. I was barely 2 blocks from the school when a silver Chrysler 300 came across the intersection. There was no stopping fast enough. I hit his passenger side. Through the 911 call, police not wanting to file a report and the overall stress of the moment I found myself feeling alone. I had prayed through the whole thing but more that none of my students would come out to see me there crying or my principal of my school. God gave me such grace to not be angry or irrational but rather to just take the task and get through it. The devil is trying to take me out. Just gotta keep pressing forward. Even if I don't complete the race before it ends, I know that my team wins and that's more than enough motivation to keep pressing on. 

Simple Requests

Today I was reminded of how much God cares for even the smallest details of our lives. 

This weekend was packed. School meetings, church and church meetings, and even serving at a wedding. Case and point I forgot to get my transpass from my friend in south philly. By the time I got around to it, a steady stream of ice was cascading from the sky above and there was no way I was making the trek. 

I settled that I would pay cash the following day for the bus and would get my transpass that next evening. 

Fast forward to today. This morning we had a 2-hour delay due to the ice so I was able to sleep in. As I went to pay for my first bus I was rejected by a broken receiver. First bus was free. 20 minutes later, while standing at my bus transfer point, I waited in frustration over the delayed bus. When the bus was finally about to pull up, one of my students came up behind me and asked me if I wanted a ride. He had spotted me on the corner while his dad was sitting at the red light. Second "bus" was free. 

I was just so encouraged today by Gods provision even in the simple things. He sees our struggle, He hears our frustration and He WANTS to provide for us. We just need to give him the opportunity to do that instead of trying to just do life on our own in a way that pleases Him. Nothing pleases Him more than spending time with us. Taking care of us. We are his children after all. 

As I strive to go deeper in my faith I hope to continue letting God take care of me. I don't have to do it "by myself" anymore. 

LENT

On Wednesday the Lent season began. Our church is doing 40 days of focused prayer and fasting in expectation that God is going to do amazing things in our church and in our city. 

I've given up a few different things for lent, the hardest one being television. I spend so much time watching tv and I want to spend more time reading my Bible. Fasting food just hasn't proven beneficial for me personally. But in spite of previous tries, I want to fast at least a day with no food with focused prayer. It would need to be a non-school day so I can be really focused on prayer instead of just busying myself to avoid hunger. 

I started going to counseling a few months ago. As I process my past and cut at some root lies, I'm finding how much I try to avoid feeling. Feeling anything. Each session is full of tears and stories of the damage that was done to my heart in the past. But I also feel like I'm making progress every time. I finally laughed saturday. Like truly laughed. Abs crunching, tears falling LAUGHED. It felt amazing. I need to remind myself that not all emotion is painful and that its ok to feel sad sometimes. My story had some sad chapters but God is good and the future is in HIS hands; not mine. 

Do Your Research

I find it's the ones you love the most that are the hardest to share your faith with. Strangers, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbors; they all aren't in our right social circles. They don't hurt our feelings as much when they reject our values and beliefs. Maybe that's just me being emotional, but that's how I see it. 

I think everyone has a right to their own belief. To hear all of the options and choose the one that's best for them. Kind of like how one would choose a spouse or life partner. Take any religion and share the history, core values, expectations, etc. and analyze it. Once you've done that with any one that is relative to you, then decide what is right. 

As a creation-believing, Christian, I already believe that there's part of our human nature that cause us to crave worship. That we were created with a desire to bring honor and glory to someone, something. So as we ponder religion in any regard, we are digging into that innate nature from within us. That core desire to worship directs our life whether we are willing to admit it or not. 

So when presented with the facts of Christianity, it's a simple choice for me. I didn't say easy, just simple. 

Like running a marathon. It's simple. Just run. But it's hard, takes training, perseverance, and passion. Nobody is going to sign up for a race without researching and weighing the costs. Discipline is a big part of being successful in this mission. Sacrificing daily will be expected. Determination will be mandatory. 

Christianity is simple. But hard. If it was easy everyone would do it. Jesus coming to earth to die for us was hard. But it was simple. He loves us and was willing to pay the price to achieve his goal of having relationship with us. That was his goal. Because we want to have relationship. We want to "do life" with those we love. 

So I encourage you to do the research. Count the costs. And just like runners train together. I'd love to train in our faith together. I've been running this race with passion and perseverance for 3 years now. Jesus is meant to be shared. So if you learn about him and want a relationship with him. Ask me about it! Every "race" begins somewhere. 

Respect

Tonight I'm praying that the Holy Spirit will direct me as to how to talk to my 8th grade boys about respect and honor. Both for themselves and for others. These kids have an incredible amount of potential and I want them to succeed in everything they do. I only have 20 weeks left till summer. I need to reach 2 kids per week. Lord help me. 😁

Discernment

If I knew what today had in store beforehand I would have fully understood why I said what I said in devotions this morning. Our verse for the week is proverbs 1:7 which says "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Only fools dispise wisdom and discipline." 

I was challenging my kids this morning to make decisions that honor God and are pleasing to Him. There were so many opportunities during the day today for the kids to step up and do the right thing and they just didn't. It's discouraging but I'm not willing to let it remain. I'm going to keep stretching them. Asking more of them. Forcing if I have to in order to set the pace for what I expect of them. 

I believe that as I go deeper in my faith the battle for my students is only going to intensify. If God is for me, who can stand against me? 

Prayer

 Prayer has always been a struggle for me. I've never been tested, but I'm pretty sure I've developed some sort of high functioning  ADD. My brain is always processing at least 3 things at the same time and focus on one thing for an extended period of time is near torture. 

Last April I was able to participate in an Ann Arbor stay-cation for spring break. The trip was about getting closer to God. Our leader, Kyle, taught us how to pray like the Monks pray. Monotonous repetition of scripture as a prayer. I found this so much better than my own efforts of prayer because it was specific and directed. When I try to pray at random I find myself daydreaming and thinking rather than praying. 

As I stretch to go deeper with God I hope to come to a place where I enjoy praying. I mean how awesome is it that I get to have a conversation with my creator and the lover of my soul anytime I want. That's truly a beautiful thing! 

I'm ready to take the leap into deeper water. To become deeper rooted. To seek Gods face rather than His hand because I love him and I want to know him.